if you wanna be my lover

you gotta fill out this application.

I created this application half in exasperation at men sexualizing me (thus some of the flipness) and half because I am serious about communication. While this might not be your exact situation, I think you can adjust this for your own purposes – COVID hangouts, cuddle puddles, new friend dates, whatever’s clever. These questions aren’t new by any means, but I hope they get you thinking about what you want.

Please free to take what is handy to you, adapt as you need, and discard the rest.

(The Republican question specifically is actually asking: “do your politics undermine my right to exist as a person in this world?” But I phrased it the way I did to troll people. And yes, when I IRL said “Republicans need not apply,” I got some pissed people in my inbox. *shrug* This pussy don’t pop for you, not sorry.)

Credit:

  • thanks to Octavia, who encouraged me when I said, “I’m tempted to just interview dudes who want to sleep with me, including asking for their exes as references.”
  • Some of these questions were directly inspired by Midori and Zoe Ligon’s video.

[Name here],

Your interest in having sex with me has been noted. Please respond to the following questions, and I will reply to you at my leisure.

Basics

  • Are you a Republican? Y/N
  • What name should I call you?
  • What are your pronouns?
  • Best way to contact you? I will use this for any subsequent contact and/or to let you know if I test positive for COVID or an STI.
  • Does the experience you want include just me and you, or does it involve additional people? If the latter, please have each individual fill out their own application.
  • Why should I share the gift of my time and attention with you? Let alone my body?

Health and safety

  • What are your COVID social distancing protocols?
    (Examples: what does a social bubble mean to you, for what reasons do you leave your home, etc.)
  • When were you last tested for COVID?
  • When were you lasted tested for an STI? Have you had a sexual encounter* since you were tested?
    *for the purposes of this survey, sexual encounter means genital contact with or without barriers such as condoms, gloves, dental dams, etc.
  • What sex supplies do you like to use?
  • Do you bring your own sex supplies? Y/N If yes, please detail what kind.
    (Examples: snips, condoms, lube, plugs, collar, etc.)
  • Do you want photos/videos taken of us together? Y/N. If yes, are these meant to be shared with people other than you or I?
  • Please note if I become pregnant, I will have an abortion.
    • If this is a one-night stand, I will not alert you of any pregnancy and subsequent abortion.
    • If we are in an ongoing relationship, please indicate if you would like notice of my pregnancy and subsequent abortion: Y/N

Setting the mood

  • What does affirmative and/or enthusiastic consent mean to you?
  • Do you have a stranger danger buddy? Y/N
    (Note: I do not need your buddy’s contact, but rest assured I have my own.)
  • What are your expectations here?
    (Examples: One night stand, beginning of a LTR, CBT, etc.)
  • What are your expectations of me?
  • What kind of sexual relations are you looking for at this time?
    (Examples: just making out, nonpenetrative sex, giving but not receiving oral sex, pony play, etc.)
  • Any goals for our time together?
    (Examples: no less than three earth-shaking orgasms, being present in your body, just enjoying the journey, etc.)
  • How do you wanna feel during our time together?
    (Examples: humiliated, proud, relaxed, sated, etc.)
  • What makes sex a pleasurable* experience for you?
    *pleasure in this instance is not limited to orgasm or sexual gratification
  • What feels good to you?
    (This is deliberately broad! Answer as you’d like.)

Nuts and bolts

  • Any “hell yeahs”?
  • Any “oh hell nos”?
  • Do you feel comfortable saying no to me?
  • What signs should I watch for if you need to slow down or stop?
  • What’s made past experiences enjoyable?
  • How will I know if you are enjoying yourself?
  • Any fantasies you want to explore together?
  • How would you like to be spoken to?
    (Examples: pet names/endearments, how to refer to parts of your body, etc.)
  • The day after, would you like to check in with each other?

Misc.

  • Is there anything else you would like me to know?
  • Please provide two references from someone you have an ongoing relationship* with.
    *relationship here encompasses people you have an ongoing platonic, romantic, and/or sexual connection with
  • Please provide a reference from your two most recent exes*.
    *I define ex as someone you previously had a romantic and/or sexual relationship with

Questions, comments, concerns? Contact me at 669-221-6251.

3 thoughts on “if you wanna be my lover

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