flaky, buttery, and delicious: me and my eczema

Thinking out loud about my relationship to others, myself, and my eczema. Snippets of this previously appeared on FB & IG.

Wordcount: ~3,000.
Content Note: Humiliation (?) and NSFW due to sex.


I don’t like the horror genre, because I don’t like being scared. But every now and then I press through it, like Annihilation for Gina Rodriguez and Tessa Thompson, or Get Out to be culturally competent. I watched both with the lights on, in broad daylight, after reading the summary on Wikipedia.

I have a particular aversion to body horror though. I don’t fuck with that. I’d list some examples here, but you’ll just have to go to the Wikipedia article instead, because even thinking of listing them makes the back of my skull tingle in bad ways.

My body is already a horror, after all.


A selected list of monstrosities:

  • thickened skin, darkened skin, combine the two and you get dragon scales
  • a body full of open wounds, ready to ooze and weep and bleed at any moment
  • skin dappled with scabs in various states of repair
  • my hands, smelling of raw meat after I’ve scratched them raw
  • my fingers, stiff and brittle leaving me two options: 1) delicately applying lotion to my joints to bring movement back to them 2) clenching my hands into fists, snapping the skin open like a glow stick lit bright with my blood
  • my lips, my nipples, splitting open like overripe fruit

Does that satisfy your criteria? Do you know why my body is marked off with yellow caution tape? It’s not because of any of these, it’s because of the way you treat me.

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2019, Fave Media

Despite working part-time in 2018 and full-time in 2019, I’m very pleased as punch that I read only 7 books less in 2019! Everything I read can be seen on Goodreads here.

Please note this list is not limited to books published in 2019, just books I read in 2019. Where possible, I’ve linked Patreons.

Books

(aka HAVE YOUR READ THIS???)

Alyssa Cole’s A Prince on Paper (Reluctant Royals #3)

Alyssa Cole’s Can’t Escape Love (Reluctant Royals #2.6)

Sayantani DasGupta’s The Serpent’s Secret (Kiranmala and the Kingdom Beyond #1)

Yoon Ha Lee’s Machineries of Empire series, particularly the “Glass Cannon” novella in Hexarchate Stories

Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice

Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire (Teixcalaan #1)

Honorary mention:

Eds. Caorlynn Calabrese & Rachel Weiss’ Eternal Witchraft: a Comics Spellbook (POMEpress/mag)

P. Djèlí Clark’s A Dead Djinn in Cairo

Zen Cho’s If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again

Bethanie Deeney Murguia’s Toucans, Too

Eds. Winona Guo & Priya Vulchi’s Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity

Jeffe Kennedy’s With a Prince (Missed Connections #2)

Kiese Laymon’s Heavy: An American Memoir

Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s Gods of Jade and Shadow

Aarti Sequeira’s Aarti Paarti: An American Kitchen with an Indian Soul

Chrissy Teigen’s Cravings: Hungry for More

Mariana Zapata’s Luna and the Lie

Fave Authors / Sequels

Ilona Andrews, Diamond Fire (Hidden Legacy #4)

Seth Dickinson’s The Monster Baru Cormorant (The Masquerade #2)

forthright.’s Tamiko and the Two Janitors (Amaranthine Saga #3), Followed by Thunder, and Dragged Through Hedgerows (Songs of the Amaranthine #2 and #3 respectively)

Nalini Singh’s Wolf Rain (Psy-Changeling Trinity #3)

Tasha Suri’s Realm of Ash (Realms of Ambha #2)

KB Wagers’ Down Among the Dead (Farian War #2)

Podcasts

ClitTalk

Duolingo Spanish

How To Survive the End of the World (Patreon)

KPFA’s Letters and Politics, particularly for its impeachment coverage (Donate)

Our Opinions are Correct (Patreon)

Where Should We Begin?

Yoga is Dead (Patreon)

Film/TV

Dir. Julia Hart’s Fast Color

Jane the Virgin S5

Good Eats The Return

Watchmen HBO

Dec 2019, Fave Media

Hi friends! January has me working on a submission for an Asian-American mother-daughter zine that anakrael sent my way. I’m also kicking around a blog piece on desire and eczema.

Books

Jessie Mihalik’s Aurora Blazing (Consortium Rebellion #2)

The third work of Mihalik’s I’ve read, but this one blows the rest out of the water. Adventure, romance, banter, and secrets (that each person figures out, but waits for the other to broach). What’s there not to like? Will definitely be keeping up with Mihalik’s releases after this.

Courtney Milan’s Unraveled (Turner Brothers #3)

I read this back in 2017, but forgot why I’d given it such a high rating. Well, I’m happy to say the high rating was well-deserved! There’s really nothing to complain about in this book. Interesting characters, gruff hero who secretly pets kittens, a heroine determined to seize life and call the hero on his BS, and a delightful rebuttal of a blackmail plot.

K.B. Wagers’ Down Among the Dead (Farian War #2)

Ooof, Wagers was not playing with the content warning at the beginning of this. I’ve loved Hail and her adventures since the Indranan War Trilogy, and I still love her, her tenacity, and the people who love her.

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Reflections from completing a novel

As some of you know, I’ve been working on a novel-length project since October 2018, and I finally finished it in October 2019! It’s a paranormal romance, heavy on the smut. Here are some reflections on finishing my first* novel-length work!

  1. Writing while working with a part time v. full time job
  2. Writing in 15 minute increments
  3. It took me a year!
  4. I used writing prompts
  5. Octavia E. Butler’s wisdom
  6. bonus lesson: people are surprisingly chill with fanfic

The long version under the cut.

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Nov 2019, Fave Media

I completed the first draft of my short story for Voices On FIYAH! While I didn’t meet my goal of 5000 words, I got pretty close at 4500. Now I just need to let the draft sit and come back to it later. I also want to do some research on Chinese immigrants in the (late?) 1800s and Mexican immigrants during the Bracero Program. …of course, I am now desperately reading anything that’s not Takaki’s Strangers From a Different Shore, lol.

Now that I’m done with writing commitments, I’m hoping to get back into some blog posts. Definitely looking forward to relaxing and write whatever I want (or not write at all for a little!). In the meanwhile, here are my faves from November!

Books

Hexarchate Stories by Yoon Ha Lee (Machineries of Empire #3.5)

So I love “Gloves” for the kinky smut, but the ending. T_T

BUT! GLASS CANNON, friends. GLASS CANNON. As I said in my Goodreads review, Lee somehow reached into my id and gave me hella shit I enjoy: hilarity, Cheris and Jedao sniping at each other and trying to outfox each other but they know each other too well, gut wrenching moments (the Dhanneth convo, oof), tentacular monster boyfriend, Jedao being all smart and scornful of Mikodez, Cheris hand-feeding Jedao not once but TWICE, and the *spoiler* trope that proves Cheris and Jedao aren’t through with each other yet. I will read Cheris & Jedao antics forever, and need a sequel please.

Figure Skating

Gabrielle Papadakis & Guillaume Cizeron’s 2019/20 Free Dance to Find You

Apologies for the video quality, but NBC is locking down all of the official footage. I know it’s hokey to call this ice dance so dance-like but it is. It’s mesmerizing every time I watch it.

Music

Celeste’s Strange (Live)

Haunting. And Wrabel’s lyrics are mesmerizing in their simplicity.

Sister’s Love Me Right

This has me in my feels. I even made it my November monthly spread in my Passion Planner.

Oct 2019, Fave Media

Well, I finished my novel! (Huzzah!) And then I got ambitious and signed up for Voices on FIYAH. I committed to 5k for Team Other, and so far there’s intergeneration queerness, matchmaking ancestors, and ghosts out for reparations. I still have essay-ish ideas kicking around, but for November, I’m focusing on Voices on FIYAH.

In the meanwhile, my faves from October!

Books

K Arsenault Rivera’s The Warrior Moon (Their Bright Ascendency #3)

I am aware the series has racist/orientalist/problematic depictions of Asia. And yet there are moments where I’m just punched in the gut. Barsalai hits me in the feels of women who are survivors. I don’t know if what I love is part of the racism, or if it can even be separated. I might do some further writing parsing that out as a Chinese disaspora person.

Forthright’s Dragged Through Hedgerows (Songs of the Amaranthine #3)

Forthright hits me in the feels yet again. I honestly don’t know how this series reads to people who don’t have such a soft spot for intimacy but hey.

Helen Hoang’s The Bride Test (The Kiss Quotient #2)

I was ambivalent about the Kiss Quotient, but people were raving about this companion book, so with a flight ahead of me, I checked it out. It was great! Hilarious post-sex scenes, and a hilarious Mr.-Darcy-level-terrible-but-amazing proposal.

Live

Vau du Vire & Jazz Mafia’s The Soiled Dove

Although its run is completed, this was so much fun! I opted into the dinner + show tickets, and the seats I got were bomb. Front row seats to all the cool acrobatics that make you go “holy shit the human body can do that????” plus awesome music from Jazz Mafia. On a personal note, it’s always rad to see East Asian women doing dance outside of ballet.

Movies

Fast Color (dir. Julia Hart)

Reader, I cried. Really moving family drama centered around 3 generations of black women with superpowers. So good, highly recommend. (I’m surprised it got such middling reviews, but perhaps the reviewers were white men?)

Music

Doja Cat’s Rules

Aslfjdksl;jfk I’ve been listening to this on repeat, it’s amazing.

The Prince of Egypt’s When You Believe (West End Cast)

So pretty! I want to see the musical now. I especially love the soloist (Casey Al-Shaqsy) and how incandescent she is.

Sept 2019, Fave Media

Still working on finishing the novel! I’m now one (!!!!) chapter away from finishing it. I have, however, committed to reading poetry at a local event in November, so now I need to work on that. While I work on those, here are my faves from September (aka Virgo season, best season).

Books

Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee (Machineries of Empire #1)

Jdksalfjda I know I’m 9999 years late to how amazeballs this series is but asdfklasjfkl;aj. I know some people really struggled with the world-building, but I didn’t, so YMMV. Personally, I really loved his conception of “calendars,” or how certain actions are capable under certain conditions. I found it a pretty tangible metaphor (not sure if that’s the right choice) for the systems we live under.

Reasons I loved it:

  • Lee’s imagination is downright devious in the best kinda way.
  • Despite how serious the topic is, there are excellent moments of levity and hilarity: machines make fanvids, footsoldiers love their soap operas, and assassin bosses love to knit.
  • Tons of LGBTQ characters
  • power play
  • I will now be signing off all my letters as yours in calendrical heresy
  • women who swallow bitterness to survive and make a better future are my weakness

Shoutout to Lee also writing fanfic of his own stuff. Special Assignment is amazing (unsurprisingly I ship Cheris/Jedao, lmao) which was prompted by sartorias no less!

In conclusion, I need this to become a TV series. Preferably with Tatiana Maslany levels of mind-blowing acting. Can you imagine the two actors who play Cheris and Jedao having to mimic each other?? (Daniel Day Kim as Jedao, k thnx pls bye).

Dance

90 Days,” Sophie & Marko, choreography by Talia Favia, SYTYCD S16

I’ve rewatched this a number of times now, and I’m disappointed it didn’t get an encore performance in SYTYCD’s season finale. There’s something so… tightly contained? Abandoned? Controlled (IDK what’s up with the vaguely harness-like costumes)? I love it.

Music

Mahalia’s I Wish I Missed my Ex

I love breakup songs. I’ve also enjoyed her songs Square 1 and the dancing in the music video for Do Not Disturb.

Steven Universe the Movie’s Happily Ever After

Pearl’s part in Happily Ever After gets me every time. “Excuse me, B-a-s-s spells bass” is the most perfectionist Virgo shit ever.

Steven Universe the Movie’s Independent Together

I lost my shit when I saw Steg. Also who doesn’t love Giant Woman Opal, or a song that’s in their range to sing? Really though, I love the message of the song.

Short Fiction

The Weight of a Thousand Needles by Isabel Canas

The prose is gorgeous, and this is the kind of fairy tale I love the most. Beautiful, painfully tender, and it taps into that old part of our brains who love the fairy tales of adventure, terror, romance, and freedom.

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try, Again by Zen Cho

I laughed at loud while reading Cho’s The True Queen, and I did with this novelette too. Had people told me this story involved the imugi falling in love with a female physicist, I would’ve read this 1000% faster. Also, the fact that the Way the imugi is studying is Physics is amazing.

If you enjoy it, don’t forget to check out the short sequel Cho wrote as well. I died at the JSTOR reference.

The Hundredth House Had No Doors by Laurie Penny

This hooked me from the get-go with its language. But the witty narrator is what really sold me, especially the line from the right hand woman “you gave me no name, of cours eyou’re going about this wrong.”